We knew we'd get there someday

It's official. Like, official official.

I am Kim Rudness, RN.

I still can't believe it. I took my NCLEX exam on Wednesday April 22nd. The NCLEX exam is the mandatory exam that all nursing students take (LPN or RN) to measure their clinical judgement and safety in order to become a licensed nurse. It's a computer adaptive test, meaning as you answer things correctly the questions get harder and you can pass in as little as 85 questions (or fail technically too!) or up to 150 questions to prove you know these random nursing facts. I was absolutely terrified leading up to the exam. My anxiety has been through the roof this past

month trying to study/review everything they could possibly ask me. I didn't sleep great the night before the exam, but I woke up and heard in my head "I'm so proud of you." Which was odd but I just rolled with it. The day of the test, I got to the testing site about 45 minutes prior to my exam time so I could sit in my car and try and relax before heading in. I felt calm, until I started the check-in process. They take your photo, scan your palms, go over the requirements for taking the test, all while you're trying to remember everything and just breathe.

The first question, I knew it. I felt confident and as I continued the questions did get a lot harder. They were asking me things about topics I had no knowledge of. I did my best to do process of elimination, but every nursing student will tell you the questions they throw at us are always "choose the BEST answer"- and the answers are all correct, but only one is the BEST... mmkay, love that for me. They also do a lot of select all that apply - which always stresses me out because it's never just one.. and it's never all of them. So you have to figure out how many it actually is. As I got to question 85, I was so panicked and stressed.. I'm pretty sure the testing site people saw this on my face...

I blacked out but the test shut off a few questions later and I just knew I failed. I tried keeping it together as I walked out of the building, got into my car, and just bawled my eyes out. I felt like I was letting everyone down, including myself. I worked so hard during nursing school to get good grades, maintain a high GPA, and I wanted to pass this test on my first try. I wanted to be done studying and start enjoying the thought of being a nurse.. but I was so positive I would see "fail" when I checked the results.

I felt like I was going crazy so I met some friends at a bar for Singo (bingo but with music) and enjoyed their happy hour.. it's BOGO drinks, so I took FULL advantage of that and drank away my anxiety (and back pain from sitting weird during the test) and enjoyed the company of friends and good music.

A lot of my nursing classmates took the exam before I did and they got their results shortly after they took the exam. Online says it can take up to 6 weeks, but I figured if my classmates got theirs soon after, I would too right? Well, after I left the exam, I checked the site EVERY SINGLE HOUR until 11pm with nothing. I went to bed but woke up about every hour and checked again. Thankfully I was off the next day, but decided I would only check it around lunch time and before bed. Still NOTHING. My anxiety was through the damn roof. I figured it was because I failed that it was taking so long. Everyone who got their results early had good news. Mine wasn't following suite because mine wasn't going to be good news. They offer "unofficial" results after 48 hours for a small fee. You bet your ass I paid that fee the MINUTE it hit 48 hours from my test time. I was at work and I was worried how it would affect my day seeing that I failed but decided I needed to just know and I needed the answer regardless of how it ruined my day. I hit submit and saw "PASS".

My heart screamed. I got teary eyed. I'm fairly certain I screamed out loud "OH MY GOD, I PASSED" (mind you, I was AT work) and immediately texted my husband and then called my Mom. I did it. I did the damn thing. I'm a Registered Nurse. I am really really proud of myself. I did this for me, yes, but I also did this for Greyson. I did this for ALL the NTSAD children and their families. I did this for the future families who will be faced with the impossible. I did this to share my journey, share the empathy I've learned through my journey, and to prove you can do hard things. I didn't realize my path until Greyson showed me, but I truly believe I was meant to be a nurse in this life. You never know the battle someone is facing and now I know this more than most. I want to be the nurse that families remember for being the one who stood up for them, supported them, cared for them, and helped them on their journey. I know it will be hard and I know I will have days where I'm exhausted to my core, but I also know, it will be worth it. The morning of my NCLEX when I heard "I'm so proud of you" in my head, I think that was Greyson. I think it was my mind telling me he is proud of his Mama (and his Dad) for keeping our promise to him. We are going to change this world for the better in his honor and I am SO proud of us. I don't say that about myself often.. I always want to strive for better, but honestly, I went back to school in my ahem mid-30s, changing a career, entering into a field that will test me and more than likely bring up some PTSD for me, and I can't wait.

On the same exciting news - Adam graduated with his Bachelor's in Nursing from Northern Michigan University! So Adam is now Adam Rudness, RN, BSN. Adding those letters behind his name. I'm so proud of him! We went to Marquette to celebrate and enjoyed time with his family.

Per usual, it's been awhile since I have posted a blog. Other than studying and working, we haven't been doing a ton lately. One fun thing we did was seeing Peter Antoniou in Appleton. I saw him on TikTok and he is a Psychic comedian. I love his TikToks so I figured, heck, let's go! We went and he started off the show with more of the comedy with some "magic"-y tricks. The end of the show he "reads people's minds". I was one of the lucky ones that got read!! He started off by saying "Born on the 31st, Kim, I'm not getting your zodiac but I'm getting rude? Why am I getting Rude?" and I was like "Yup, that's me! Last name is RUDness but I always get RudEness." and he started off by saying how I was in nursing school and just finishing up and I had my big test coming up. He was like "You want to know if you're going to pass? Yes.. and you want to work with pediatrics? Specifically pediatric oncology? wow, yeah, you're going to do great things." I can't remember everything because I honestly started crying and blacked out, but it was such a fun show. I don't know how he does it, zero idea, but it was so entertaining regardless of how it was done. Adam even had fun!

This was him prior to the show, just sitting in empty chairs. I felt a little star-struck!

My graduation is in two weeks, so I'll upload photos and everything after that.

I started this blog (truthfully) a few weeks ago but it just sat in my draft folder. I came into my office tonight to do some crafting and listen to my audiobook and remembered I had a blog half finished sitting out there and figured today would be a good day to get some feelings out. Today is Mother's Day. It's my 4th Mother's day without my son. 4 years in a row, I have "celebrated" being a child-less mother. 4 years I've stayed off social media and away from my phone for the most part, because honestly. I just can't. I can't do it. I am so thankful that friends and family have their children to celebrate them today but my heart just can't. I hate knowing my son is not here to do crafts for me or fill out those cute little "about my mommy" things. My son is in an urn. My son died and I am a mother without a child. My family and friends do a wonderful job of supporting me - and Adam made sure to make me feel special this weekend, I am just sad. I miss Greyson so deeply that it feels raw on days like Mother's day. I miss everything about him. I miss his sweet smile, his dimpled chin, those blue eyes and curly hair. His soft cheeks and chubby fingers. I miss his noises and his sweet coos. I miss reading to him and snuggling with him. I don't know how to say it other than it's not fair and I'm still so angry that he was taken away from us. I'm angry because he should be here. He should be 6 years old, turning 7 years old this fall. He should be getting ready for summer break and playing outside with Millie. I should be packing his lunch for school tomorrow, not sitting at my desk with tears rolling down my face. I'm thankful he's not suffering from Tay-Sachs anymore, yes, but I also want to know what life would have been like if he had been healthy. I want to know what he would have been like. What would he have been into? Who would his friends be? I think most days, I have been better about feeling so angry, but today I felt.. empty.

So, for tonight, I will just curl up with Millie, my book, and photos of my sweet boy. Happy Mother's Day Greyson Kent. Thank YOU for making me a Mama.

xoxo,

Kim

I love you more than all the stars in the sky and fish in the sea